CONFESSION: I entertained the Green Monster today.
I'm not talking about the giant wall at Fenway Park that has become known as a homerun killer, but the Green Monster of Jealousy. I didn't only entertain the Green Monster, I flagged him down, called to him and begged him to come home with me, and then had a drink with him and wallowed in my self-pity.
The good news is that he didn't stay for long. The bad news, my heart is now undergoing surgery to repair the damage he left behind.
I don't know why I like this guy so much. Ok, I wouldn't say that I "like" him, but then why do I invite him over and over and over? I was pondering this today, after I kicked him out and my heart was flayed open. I saw that I had become the spoiled brat who whines to her Daddy that her brother's portion is bigger, and that's not fair; or the kid who complains that she got the blue lollipop, but she wanted the red.
Why? I think there are 2 roots at play here. First is ungratefulness. The truth is, I have so much to be grateful for. Aside from the obvious (salvation), I have an amazing man of God that I get to share life with, I live comfortably in a city that I like, I have cute pets, a good job, and I know how to read (which puts us in the top 11% of richest people in the world). I wonder if we, as western believers, have put so much stock in the material blessings, that we have started to focus on everything we don't have. Maybe it's just me, but I've noticed a "yeah, but" attitude. "Yeah I'm blessed, but not as blessed as Bob." "Yeah I have a job, but not the one I want." "Yeah I have a husband, but he's not....(fill in the blank)". "Yeah..., but..." You've heard the verse, "He who is faithful in little will be given much"? What if (and this is not a scholarly thesis of the word "faithful", just a hypothesis) the verse read "He who is grateful for little will be given much." Is thankfulness part of faithfulness? I venture that it is not only a part, but crucial. There is no motivation for faithfulness without gratefulness. Why would there be? Faithfulness is a response of a thankful heart. So, maybe, just maybe, there was a reason that Paul exhorted us to give thanks in all things?
The second, and most ugly, root is doubt/distrust. I hate that I even have to confess this, but today's meeting with the Green Monster was nothing more than me believing the lie that God is not at work regarding the purposes in my life. It looked something like this: My friends get to go on this exciting ministry trip, and I don't, and I want to. Do you hear the "waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh" in that statement? Gosh, this sounds trivial. But alas, I digress. It really boils down to one question: "Will you trust that I am working on your behalf, even when you don't see it?" It's really easy to say "yes", but a lot harder to say "yes" honestly. It's so easy to get distracted by the chaos of a life that looks nothing like you thought it would look, while God seems lost in the background. Does that sound heretical? Maybe it is....but then, these are my confessions.
Fortunately, the story doesn't end here. This is simply where it begins. 1 John 1:9 tells us that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. This means that not only does he forgive me for cheating on Him with the Green Monster, but He goes in and repairs all the damage the Monster left behind. He is so faithful, so amazing, so gracious....
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