What Was I Thinking?

Have you ever thought about the wives of the 12 disciples?   Can you imagine how the conversation went between Peter and his wife, when he told her that he had met some guy from the "wrong side of town" that he believed was the Messiah, so he quit his fishing job and was going to follow Him?   
While, Peter's wife may have been completely full of expectation and faith that the Messiah is coming, therefore throwing her enthusiastic support behind her husband, I wonder if there was ever a bit of trepidation.   Maybe not at first.  After all, the Messiah had come and called her husband!  What an honor!  Think of what the other women at the well would say when she told them of their new status as personal friends of the Messiah!    

How long did it take for the excitement to fade (even if just a little), and real, unanswered questions begin to surface?     Was it when the taxes were coming due, and they had no more income?  Was it when she discovered that baby number 6 was on the way, and they hadn't stored up any more food for the upcoming winter?   Was it her husband's long absences while she was left fending for their family?  Was it the voice of her mother asking how she could really believe that the Messiah came from "that side"?  

Maybe none of these questions surfaced.  Maybe Peter's wife (I like to think that her name was Golda-just like from Fiddler on the Roof!) was so completely full of faith in her husband and in her Lord, that she remained full of excitement and walked in constant faith and trust.   Maybe it's just in my weakness that I like to think that she had those moments of temporary panic, where she thought that her husband was nuts, and that she was nuts for going along with the whole thing.  Probably, because I've been having some of those moments recently.

It's been a long time since I've blogged on this site, so there is much to catch up on.   The biggest news is that we are moving from the Dallas area, and believe that we are supposed to end up in Maine.   I wrote the details of that decision in my notes on Facebook and you can read that here.  (If you're not my friend on Facebook, this would be a good time to add me!)  In a nutshell, we have left everything, the security of well-paying jobs, our home, some of our best friends, and the closeness of Paul's family, all because we believe God has said, "Go."

There was so much chaos and excitement in preparing for the move, including finishing things up at work, getting the house sorted and packed, buying the trailer that would hold all of our earthly belongings, and saying our goodbyes, that we didn't really have much time to sit and think about what we were doing.We moved out of our apartment on November 6, and have been on a road-trip to the western states to visit family since then.   In the 3,000+ miles since we left, we have had a lot of time to talk and think about what happens next month when we move to Maine.

Confession:   I'm scared.

Now, before you get all religious on me, let me work it out.    I know that fear is not from the Lord.  I know that where He calls, He provides.  I know that my inheritance is peace, joy, and love, and that without faith it's impossible to please Him.   So, please spare me the Scriptural platitudes.   

The truth is that about 99% of the time, I'm full of faith and excitement, and I just can't wait to see what God is up to.   Then there is the other 1%.   And that 1% can seem overwhelming sometimes.   It's like being thrown into the deep end of the pool without knowing how to swim.   You have a split second to decide if you will let panic win, or if you will begin to move, trusting that you'll make it to the other side.    
Fear is the same way.    It's a thought; it's a story we tell ourselves; it's a moment that demands a decision.   Whom will we believe?

My "deep end" has been filled with questions like "Are you sure God really said...?" "Do you even know how to talk to people who don't know the Lord?" "How are you going to survive up there without jobs?" "Are you really good enough to write, study, compose?"  "Do you really think you're ready for...?"  

It isn't like these questions come one at a time, advertising that they are voices to create fear and doubt.  No, that would be too easy.  They come in like a flood, with real emotion and usually as I'm laying down to sleep, when I feel most vulnerable.   Sometimes, I'm quick enough to catch it, and speak the truth to combat the fear.  Sometimes, I nurse the doubt and get a little "water up my nose."   It's in these moments that I am so grateful for the teaching and training and the truth that has been poured into my life over the last few years.   I'm so thankful for Pastors like Terry Moore, Chris McCrae and Roland Worton (just to name a few) that have been so faithful it teaching foundational truths about the goodness and faithfulness of God (our Father), and who we are as His children.  

When I asked the Lord for an encounter with Him that would so move me that I would be willing to leave everything to follow Him, I didn't anticipate all of these "lessons".   What was I thinking?   Someday, I want to sit down with Peter's wife, and hear her side of the story.   I like to think that she felt some of the same things I'm feeling.  Meanwhile, I will continue to press into what I know is true...God is GOOD and He is Faithful...always.

"Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."   ~Joshua 1:9