Begrudgingly...

Peter has always been my favorite disciple.  I think it’s because I can relate to his passion, emotions, and frequent missteps.    One of my favorite stories about Peter is found at the end of John.   Jesus had just been brutally crucified, then resurrected and was hanging out by the sea with the disciples, eating some fish and talking.  

It was in this setting that Jesus had the following conversation with Peter:

Jesus:  Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?

Peter:  Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.

Jesus:  Feed my  lambs.  (pause)  Simon, son of John, do you love me?

Peter:  Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.

Jesus:  Tend my sheep.  (another pause).   Simon, son of John, do you love me?

(grieved) Peter:  Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.

Jesus:  Feed my sheep.   (taking a deep breath)   Truly, truly I say to you, when you   
           were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but 
           when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress 
           you and carry you where you do not want to go….Follow me.

There are so many things to glean from this conversation, but I don’t want to linger too long here.  In this exchange, Jesus was talking to Peter about what his future was going to look like.  He was going to be a pastor to new believers and would be killed as a result.  That’s a pretty intense morning.

Just after this exchange, we’re told that Peter turned around and saw John following behind them.

          Peter:  Lord, what about this man?

Jesus:  If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you?   You 

           follow me!

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard the Lord say, “What is that to you?  You follow me,” I would be a very rich woman!   Every time I’ve asked those pesky “why” questions, I’ve received some variation of this response. 

Me:  Why did she get married before me?

Jesus:  What is that to you?  You follow me! 

Me:   Why do they get to live in a big house?

Jesus:  What is that to you?  You follow me!

Me:   Why was she able to get pregnant so easily?

Jesus:  What is that to you?  You follow me!

Me:  Why is his/her ministry already taking off, when I’m still stuck in

        corporate hell?

Jesus:  What is that to you?  You follow me!

Do you sense a pattern?   For years, I read this as a rebuke, as if Jesus was saying, “Mind your own business, Peter, just do what I told you.”   But recently, I encountered His grace in this area in a way that so overwhelmed me, and I realized that this was not a rebuke but an invitation to enter into His abundant life.

You see, these questions above were not just random examples, but screams from my anguished heart.   I had been asking these questions my entire life, believing that everyone else was walking in blessings while I was scratching and clawing to survive.   

One morning I woke up with all of these questions, peppered with thoughts doubt and anger, and I was caught unprepared for the battle in my mind.   I felt so much shame for all these envious thoughts knowing that “good Christians” aren’t supposed to envy.   I sat down with the Bible and started looking up all the verses about envy, all the while sinking deeper and deeper into shame.    I didn’t think it could get much worse, so I googled “envy” and I found the following statement on Wikipedia:

[Envy] begins with the almost frantic sense of emptiness inside oneself, as if the pump of one's heart were sucking on air. One has to be blind to perceive the emptiness, of course, but that's what envy is, a selective blindness. Invidia, Latin for envy, translates as "nonsight," and Dante had the envious plodding along under cloaks of lead, their eyes sewn shut with leaden wire. What they are blind to is what they have, God-given and humanly nurtured, in themselves.

The “almost frantic sense of emptiness inside oneself” phrase jumped off the screen at me.  It was as if the Holy Spirit was saying, “This is a key that will unlock the chains of envy in your life.”    With this key I went back to the Bible, but this time rather than looking for verses about envy I started looking for verses about fullness.    Here are a couple of my favorites of the many I found:

          How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God!
Therefore the children of men put  

their trust under the shadow of Your wings. They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house,
And You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures. For with You is the fountain of life;
In Your light we see light. 

~ Ps 36:7-9

And of His fullness we have all received, and grace for grace.  ~ John 1:16

The root of my envious thoughts and feelings was misplaced “vision”.   I was looking at what God was doing in everyone else’s life, “selectively” remaining blind to all God has already poured out in my own life and allowing myself to embrace the “frantic sense of emptiness” I felt inside.   

I immediately fell on my knees in repentance, thanking God for the abundance and the FULLNESS that He has lavished on me.   As I began to list all the gifts that I have personally received from the Father, my heart felt like a balloon that was inflating past capacity.   Suddenly envy just seemed laughable.  Why would I ever want someone else’s life, when my life has been made so rich?   Chains started to fall off and freedom rushed in. 

Let's fast forward a few weeks to this morning: As part of my daily devotions, I read the parable of the “Laborers in the Vineyard” found in Matthew 20:1-16.    The Cliff Notes version of the story is that an owner of a vineyard goes out one morning to hire some harvesters, and they agree on a set wage for the day.   As the day goes on, the owner continues to hire people all the way up until 1 hour before quitting time.   At the end of the day the owner gathers all the harvesters to pay them.  He starts with those he hired at the end of the day and worked his way back to those who had been working the entire day, paying each of them the exact same amount.    Those who had been working all day were upset, thinking they deserved more for working the entire day.   The owner’s response, found in verse 15, was, “Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me?  Or do you begrudge my generosity?”  

“Or do you begrudge my generosity?”   WOWCH!   We see here that we are given two choices when we see others receiving of His generosity.     We can either grumble and complain that we deserve more, begrudging His generosity with others, or we can celebrate His outrageous generosity and love towards each one of us.  

Each blessing He pours out, whether on us or on those around us, gives us a glimpse of His character.  We get to see how He keeps His promises, how His goodness brings life and joy to His kids, and how His love manifests day after day.   And from this same “fullness we have all received.”     Let us not be a people who begrudges His goodness, but those who celebrate Him and His dealings with all of His children!

Lord!  I’m bursting with joy over what You’ve done for me!  My lips are full of perpetual praise.  I’m boasting of You and all Your works, so let all who are discouraged take heart.  Join me everyone!  Let’s praise the Lord together.  Let’s make Him famous!  Let’s make His name glorious to all.

 ~ Ps. 34:1-3 (TPT)