Amid Shouts of "Grace, Grace"

Yesterday marked 5 months since landing in the beautiful state of Maine.   It hardly seems possible that we've already been here that long, yet it seems like we've lived here much longer.   This is now our home.   The thought still catches us off guard sometimes, as we often shake our heads saying,  "We live in Maine."   A year ago today, we were living in Texas, cruising to Alaska on a much needed vacation, completely oblivious to the impending upheaval.

We knew something was going to change, simply because change was needed.   But we were not prepared for the level of change to which He was calling us.   We were comfortable in Carrollton, Texas.  We enjoyed well-paying jobs with benefits that allowed us to explore the world on a whim.   We love our church (I am using the present tense, because we still love Sojourn Church and still consider it "our church"), a body of believers who seek the Lord with all their hearts and love each other well.   This is where we had started our married life, grown together as a couple, made our first "couple" friends, beat the debt cycle, and learned about God's love for us transforming us from orphans to children in our thinking.   This was "home".

For me, personally, having a "home" was a bit of a foreign concept.   Growing up, my parents moved frequently, and by the time I had graduated college and established myself in the corporate world, I had lived in over 20 cities in 9 states.   When I married a Texas boy the first order of business was to move to Texas, and much to my surprise, Texas became home.   It didn't happen overnight for me, as I had established defenses that I wasn't even aware of.

About 4 years in to our 7 year stay, I realized that I had never really been open to deep friendships as a way of protecting myself from the pain of separation that was bound to come.  As I began to open my heart and allow these walls to collapse, I discovered the richness of investing in relationships, and I have some amazing friends in Texas because of it.  

Then God said, "Go," 1,800 miles away from my friends, my church, my comfort zone, my home to Maine, where we had no jobs, no house, no friends, and no "reason" for being there.   In my experience, when God says, "Go," it's probably a good idea to just go and ask questions later!     So we came in the middle of a record setting "cold and snowy" winter, arriving on December 18.   

I'll never forget pulling into the Maine Mall in South Portland with our trailer and sitting together saying to the Lord, "Okay, we're here.  Now what?"   It was all quite surreal.  

Biblical Scholars who have studied numerology in the Bible say that 5 is the number of grace, so as we celebrate 5 months of living in our new home, I thought I would testify to a few of the "graces" that the Lord has lavished on us (we would be here all day and night if I would to list them all).

Grace #1:   There was room in the inn!!!
It was the middle of the afternoon, and we needed somewhere to stay while we started looking for jobs and a place to live, so we both pulled out our cell phones and started looking at what was around there. Because it was the week before Christmas, we weren't sure that we would be able to find anything reasonable, but God had brought us this far, so we decided to trust that He wouldn't abandon us now.   We found an Extended Stay Hotel that allowed pets and had a furnished kitchenette in the room as well as laundry facilities onsite.   When we arrived, the manager was moved by our story and gave us a HUGE discount for both the nightly rate as well as for the pet fees.  We were able to settle in and have somewhere warm to stay over Christmas while the snow fell outside.

Grace #2:   You're Approved!
As many of you know, we have been living debt free since 2009 thanks to Dave Ramsey and Financial Peace University.   As a result, we have no credit score.  It's as if we have never borrowed money and paid it back.   We discovered this in Texas when we rented our apartment and had to pay an additional months' rent deposit as we were considered high risk.   This was a concern as we began looking for places to live here in Maine, since in addition to have no credit score, we didn't have any income.  In addition to the financial concerns, we have a dog and a cat, and there are very few properties that allow pets.   With all of this weighing on our minds, we were excited to see an advertisement for our apartments which were having a "special".  We visited the apartments and as we toured the available unit, we were told that they didn't have any more of the "specials" and all they had available were units that were going to be $300/month more, which was out of our price range.   By this time, we had already been in Maine for 10 days, and I was tired of living in a hotel and a little frustrated with the Lord and His timing in the transition.  It was late Saturday afternoon, and we left feeling dejected.   Then on Monday morning, we got a voicemail message from the leasing agent.  A "special" unit had opened up, and she wondered if we wanted to come by and see it.  After debating back and forth, Paul and I agreed to come back and we found that the unit was perfect for us (unlike the first unit we had looked at), in the back of the complex, on the end of the building, right next to the storage facilities and the dog park.  The leasing agent told us that there was a long waiting list for this unit, but we were on her mind and she had told everyone in the office our story of just uprooting our lives and moving here, so she called us first.    We started the paperwork, explained why we had no credit score, and crossed our fingers.    Within a couple hours we were approved, got our keys and were able to move in on December 31, just before the next major snow storm hit.   Some additional "graces" in this process included steep discounts for move in fees, deposits and monthly pet rent.

Grace # 3:  FRIENDS!
Trying to explain how we have made so many friends so quickly would be a little hard to follow.  Suffice it to say, God has connected with friends who have connected us with more friends who have connected us with more friends.   Through these connections, we have been able to establish some great relationships with friends who have already become so precious to us.   Only God can do that!  

Grace #4 :  You're Hired!
This has been an interesting season for both of us, but for me especially, as God has been pretty clear that I am to take some time off from working outside of the home to spend time being a homemaker and work on writing.  It has certainly tested our faith as Paul spent over 2 months looking for a job before he accepted a position as a Home Inspector.   He applied for the job and was initially blown off, but he remained persistent, calling weekly to check the status of his application.  He was finally given an interview after which he was immediately offered the position.  But there was a catch (of course there is!).  The job is 100% commission based, would require at least 3 months of training which will pay less than minimum wage, and then Paul would be responsible to build his own book of business.   After much prayer, we both knew that this was the position he was supposed to accept.    The great news is that he has excelled in his training (which is no surprise), and has surprised his boss with how quickly he has learned, which is great as they approach the "busy season". 

Grace #5 :  Manna from Heaven
It's a lot easier to quote the verses in Matthew 6 that talk about not worrying because God provides for the sparrows so He will surely provide for us when you're not having to trust Him for provision.  When you have regular income that exceeds your expenses it's easy to call Him "Jehovah Jireh, The Lord our Provider".   When we moved up here we had 2 accounts, our checking account and our "Emergency Fund".    We knew that we could live for about 2 months on our checking account, and another 5-6 months on our emergency fund if we had to.  As we have just celebrated 5 months here, I have to tell you that God's provision has been so good.  We have lived these 5 months on our checking account and Paul's training income without touching our emergency fund!!!   

I won't lie to you and say that our journey has been filled with rainbows and fairy dust, all giggles and happiness.   There have been waves of homesickness, doubt, fear, worry, anger, sadness, confusion and tears, but for every one of these hard waves, there have been more waves of grace, mercy, joy, beauty, healing, reconciliation and growth.  There is nothing like stepping out of your comfort zone and going after everything that God has for you.   There are so many treasures in His presence, and by His Spirit you will see mountains melt before you.   What has God asked you to do?   What mountains are standing before you?  I leave you with this declaration as my prayer for you:

Then he said to me, "This is the word of the LORD...saying, 'Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,' says the LORD of hosts. What are you, O great mountain? ... you will become a plain; and he will bring forth the top stone with shouts of "Grace, grace to it!"'"

~Zech 4:6-7

Begrudgingly...

Peter has always been my favorite disciple.  I think it’s because I can relate to his passion, emotions, and frequent missteps.    One of my favorite stories about Peter is found at the end of John.   Jesus had just been brutally crucified, then resurrected and was hanging out by the sea with the disciples, eating some fish and talking.  

It was in this setting that Jesus had the following conversation with Peter:

Jesus:  Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?

Peter:  Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.

Jesus:  Feed my  lambs.  (pause)  Simon, son of John, do you love me?

Peter:  Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.

Jesus:  Tend my sheep.  (another pause).   Simon, son of John, do you love me?

(grieved) Peter:  Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.

Jesus:  Feed my sheep.   (taking a deep breath)   Truly, truly I say to you, when you   
           were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but 
           when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress 
           you and carry you where you do not want to go….Follow me.

There are so many things to glean from this conversation, but I don’t want to linger too long here.  In this exchange, Jesus was talking to Peter about what his future was going to look like.  He was going to be a pastor to new believers and would be killed as a result.  That’s a pretty intense morning.

Just after this exchange, we’re told that Peter turned around and saw John following behind them.

          Peter:  Lord, what about this man?

Jesus:  If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you?   You 

           follow me!

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard the Lord say, “What is that to you?  You follow me,” I would be a very rich woman!   Every time I’ve asked those pesky “why” questions, I’ve received some variation of this response. 

Me:  Why did she get married before me?

Jesus:  What is that to you?  You follow me! 

Me:   Why do they get to live in a big house?

Jesus:  What is that to you?  You follow me!

Me:   Why was she able to get pregnant so easily?

Jesus:  What is that to you?  You follow me!

Me:  Why is his/her ministry already taking off, when I’m still stuck in

        corporate hell?

Jesus:  What is that to you?  You follow me!

Do you sense a pattern?   For years, I read this as a rebuke, as if Jesus was saying, “Mind your own business, Peter, just do what I told you.”   But recently, I encountered His grace in this area in a way that so overwhelmed me, and I realized that this was not a rebuke but an invitation to enter into His abundant life.

You see, these questions above were not just random examples, but screams from my anguished heart.   I had been asking these questions my entire life, believing that everyone else was walking in blessings while I was scratching and clawing to survive.   

One morning I woke up with all of these questions, peppered with thoughts doubt and anger, and I was caught unprepared for the battle in my mind.   I felt so much shame for all these envious thoughts knowing that “good Christians” aren’t supposed to envy.   I sat down with the Bible and started looking up all the verses about envy, all the while sinking deeper and deeper into shame.    I didn’t think it could get much worse, so I googled “envy” and I found the following statement on Wikipedia:

[Envy] begins with the almost frantic sense of emptiness inside oneself, as if the pump of one's heart were sucking on air. One has to be blind to perceive the emptiness, of course, but that's what envy is, a selective blindness. Invidia, Latin for envy, translates as "nonsight," and Dante had the envious plodding along under cloaks of lead, their eyes sewn shut with leaden wire. What they are blind to is what they have, God-given and humanly nurtured, in themselves.

The “almost frantic sense of emptiness inside oneself” phrase jumped off the screen at me.  It was as if the Holy Spirit was saying, “This is a key that will unlock the chains of envy in your life.”    With this key I went back to the Bible, but this time rather than looking for verses about envy I started looking for verses about fullness.    Here are a couple of my favorites of the many I found:

          How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God!
Therefore the children of men put  

their trust under the shadow of Your wings. They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house,
And You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures. For with You is the fountain of life;
In Your light we see light. 

~ Ps 36:7-9

And of His fullness we have all received, and grace for grace.  ~ John 1:16

The root of my envious thoughts and feelings was misplaced “vision”.   I was looking at what God was doing in everyone else’s life, “selectively” remaining blind to all God has already poured out in my own life and allowing myself to embrace the “frantic sense of emptiness” I felt inside.   

I immediately fell on my knees in repentance, thanking God for the abundance and the FULLNESS that He has lavished on me.   As I began to list all the gifts that I have personally received from the Father, my heart felt like a balloon that was inflating past capacity.   Suddenly envy just seemed laughable.  Why would I ever want someone else’s life, when my life has been made so rich?   Chains started to fall off and freedom rushed in. 

Let's fast forward a few weeks to this morning: As part of my daily devotions, I read the parable of the “Laborers in the Vineyard” found in Matthew 20:1-16.    The Cliff Notes version of the story is that an owner of a vineyard goes out one morning to hire some harvesters, and they agree on a set wage for the day.   As the day goes on, the owner continues to hire people all the way up until 1 hour before quitting time.   At the end of the day the owner gathers all the harvesters to pay them.  He starts with those he hired at the end of the day and worked his way back to those who had been working the entire day, paying each of them the exact same amount.    Those who had been working all day were upset, thinking they deserved more for working the entire day.   The owner’s response, found in verse 15, was, “Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me?  Or do you begrudge my generosity?”  

“Or do you begrudge my generosity?”   WOWCH!   We see here that we are given two choices when we see others receiving of His generosity.     We can either grumble and complain that we deserve more, begrudging His generosity with others, or we can celebrate His outrageous generosity and love towards each one of us.  

Each blessing He pours out, whether on us or on those around us, gives us a glimpse of His character.  We get to see how He keeps His promises, how His goodness brings life and joy to His kids, and how His love manifests day after day.   And from this same “fullness we have all received.”     Let us not be a people who begrudges His goodness, but those who celebrate Him and His dealings with all of His children!

Lord!  I’m bursting with joy over what You’ve done for me!  My lips are full of perpetual praise.  I’m boasting of You and all Your works, so let all who are discouraged take heart.  Join me everyone!  Let’s praise the Lord together.  Let’s make Him famous!  Let’s make His name glorious to all.

 ~ Ps. 34:1-3 (TPT)

I Didn't Deserve That

It was about this time eight years ago when I first met my husband.    He was charming and happy-go-lucky.  I was still trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart which remained strewn about after a very painful break-up.   It didn’t take long for him to win my heart, and we were married just a few months later.

Having recently celebrated seven years of being very happily married, I was completely caught off guard last night when I was filled with sudden rage toward my ex.   As I laid down to sleep every memory of that painful time came in like a flood threatening to sweep me away in the current of anger, hurt and devastation.   Each thought began with “I didn’t deserve…”    

I didn’t deserve to be lied to.  I didn’t deserve to be told over instant message that he could “no longer be [my] boyfriend, just [my] best friend”, so he could take some time to work things out with God.   I didn’t deserve to be ignored when I called my “best friend”.   I didn’t deserve to be kept on a hook, believing that he still loved me and that we would ultimately get back together (those were his words, after all).  I didn’t deserve to sit in church and watch him cuddle with another woman.   I didn’t deserve to get messages from him telling me how much he loved me while all of this was going on.   I didn’t deserve to have my heart broken with such callousness.  I didn’t deserve….

As these thoughts stirred up every negative emotion I felt choked in the bile called bitterness.   This was surprise number two.   I thought I had worked through all of my pain.  I thought I had already forgiven him.  I thought that the wounds had healed.   I was wrong.   There was another layer sitting dormant, a layer I had not yet released, and it was kept hidden in the “I didn’t deserves”.    

I wrestled with the idea of “deserving”, wondering if I even had the right to say “I didn’t deserve,” and as if my questions were spoken as prayers, I felt the Father say, “You’re right; you didn’t deserve any of that.”    It was so sweetly spoken, and it soothed the red hot rage immediately.  It validated the wound, acknowledged the pain, and answered the questions.    Yet, the richness of the statement invited, no demanded a response.  As the knife was removed from my heart, it was clear that I had to make the choice to forgive….again.

This time, though, it didn’t feel as hard.   It was as if the sweetness of His voice mixed with the lemons of my pain making refreshing lemonade of His grace for this man who had hurt me so badly.   My heart was overwhelmed with a compassion that I couldn’t even explain.   How broken must he have been?  Had he ever known LOVE at all?   Could he even see how he was destroying me, or was he so blinded by his own pain and rejection?  “Oh, Father, please forgive him, he didn’t really know what he was doing,” I cried as my tears of rage transformed into tears of intercession.

I didn’t deserve any of it.  He didn’t deserve my bitterness, anger, and rage.   Neither of us deserves the grace that has covered the multitude of our wrongs, but it’s offered so freely, just waiting for us to take hold of it.

  

“See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.” ~Hebrews 12:15

Prayer-Worrier or Prayer-Warrior?

I was on my way home from a frustrating rehearsal one night, and I called Paul to talk with him as I made the drive.  As soon as he answered I immediately unleashed my tirade of who said this and who did that and why this is all a bunch of malarkey.  About 15 minutes in I suddenly became aware that this was the first time I had spoken to my husband that entire day, and I hadn’t even said “hello”.    I stopped myself, apologized, said “Hi honey.  I love you most,” and reset the tone of our conversation.    Instead of anxiety and anger ruling the conversation, I was able to share my frustrations in a calm manner and receive his comfort, insight and wisdom in return.

It got me thinking about how I often pray.   Somewhere along the line I picked up that prayer was simply asking God for different things.   Prayer meetings always meant kneeling for an hour at a pew and running down your checklist:  Lord, please bless the pastors; Lord, please help the missionaries; Lord, please be sure our unbelieving friends and family get saved before they die; Lord, please help dad get a good job; Lord, please heal my cat; CRAP, it’s only been 10 minutes, better go through the list again; Lord, please bless that pastors; and so on and so on and so on.  

Outside of prayer meetings, prayer was a crisis hotline.   Whenever anything went wrong I would frantically cry out to God to intervene, and then I would wring my hands worrying until an answer came.   Sometimes it took a while for the answer to come, so I would cry out again and again until I was sure He heard me and the situation was resolved.

It’s no wonder that when someone who was praying for me said that I had the gift of intercession I asked if I could exchange it for something that I would actually use.  I had been convinced that prayer was good for “intercessors”, but for those of us who weren’t “gifted” it was more of a request line to Jesus.   I always believed that there were people whose prayers were “always” answered, and I was not one of those people.  Therefore, praying could not be my gift. 

Then I met some really cool people who loved to pray and they were always happy while doing it.   This was completely foreign to me, so I had to learn more.   These men and women taught me that prayer is simply asking for God’s perspective and then setting my agreement with Him.   This is based on “The Lord’s Prayer”, found in Matt 6:9-13 and Luke 11:2-4, where Jesus teaches His disciples to pray, “Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.”     Since we have been raised with Christ, and are seated with Him in heavenly places, we can get His perspective, His will, His plans rather than getting lost in the storm of the current situations (Col 3:1-3). 

 

It’s a little like flying in a thunderstorm.   There is always a little turbulence as you take off through the rain, and the plane shakes as you ascend, but when you reach cruising altitude, it’s bright, sunny, and completely calm.   My first experience with this made me very anxious, grasping the armrests until my knuckles were white.   The man next to me just laughed and told me it would be alright when we got above the clouds.    It was more than “alright” when we got above the clouds, it was beautiful!  There is something spectacular about seeing the red and orange hues of the sun shine bright about the fluffy clouds that are as white as snow, a stark contrast to the foreboding charcoal color of the clouds below.   And there is peace. 

How does this relate to prayer?   James gives us some insight in chapter 4, verse 3 when he says, “You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives…” 

When we stay in the storm, our tendency is to pray about how the storm is making us feel.  For example, when I am in the midst of a hard day at work, I might pray that God will give me a new boss or open the door for me to leave or remove the pain in my &%*(# that has been driving me nuts for the last month.   All the while, I will remain in a state of agitation, frustration, discouragement and all around bleh.   Often these circumstances and resulting emotions cause us to question the goodness and kindness of God.  We hear that little voice whispering in our ears, “If God really loved you, you wouldn’t be stuck in this job you hate,” or worse, “It will never get better than this, so you’d better just learn to live with it,” and we are soaked to the skin by the lying rain of the enemy.   

But (isn’t that a great word? It means there is good news around the corner), then came Jesus!   With His death and resurrection, we are now hidden with Him, seated in heavenly places.   We get to come to Him in all the craziness and emotion of life, lay it out before Him, and talk to Him about what He’s doing. Often He uses the very storm that we’re in to call us higher so that He can reveal a part of Himself we’ve never seen before.    He is good, and His plans are always good.  He is perfect love, and His ways are always bigger than we can fully understand.   He is sovereign, and nothing takes Him by surprise.   Think about that for a minute…NOTHING takes Him by surprise.   He knows every minute of every day, and He has a strategy for expanding His kingdom through every circumstance, and we get to be a part of it!

The Word tells us, “The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results” (James 5:16 NLT).   Righteousness is “right-standing with God”.  Since God is heavenly places, doesn’t it make sense that “right-standing” with Him would mean standing with Him in heavenly places?   Since we are hidden with Christ in God, and we are seated with Him in heavenly places, we have been made righteous, which means prayer is for all of us, not just for the “gifted”!  

Storms will always happen, that’s just part of life, but we have the choice of perspective.   We can stay on the ground worrying about the storm soaked by the rain, or we can make the choice to put up with the turbulence of our emotions rising above the storm and cruising in His peace and in His power.  When you choose to trust Him, you get to fly with Him, and He is a master pilot, and HE ALWAYS brings us to a new place in Him!   

The Father offers each one of us an invitation to embark on a new journey of discovery, excitement, and relationship with Him.     Will we be prayer-worriers, grounded in fear and anxiety begging Him to meet our needs, or will we be prayer-warriors, soaring with Him above the storms to new destinations in His kingdom, trusting that He has every provision for every need already prepared?

“…an eagle knows when a storm is approaching long before it breaks. The eagle will fly to some high spot and wait for the winds to come. When the storm hits, it sets its wings so that the wind will pick it up and lift it above the storm. While the storm rages below, the eagle is soaring above it. The eagle does not escape the storm. It simply uses the storm to lift it higher. It rises on the winds that bring the storm.”         (From “Eagles in A Storm”, author unknown)