The Cost of Love (Lessons from the Great Greenbean Getaway Part 2)

Before I left for California, I was nursing my sprained/fractured ankle and catching up on my reading.   One of the books I read during that time was "Birthing the Miraculous" by Heidi Baker.   She is truly a hero in the faith, and her joy is contagious.  I want to be like her when I grow up, but then I digress.   In the beginning of the book, Heidi talks about an encounter with Jesus in which she experienced His love so strong and so real that she became willing to do anything for Him.  

I have experienced the love of Christ, but nothing like the dramatic encounter that Heidi details in her book, and I was instantly hungry for a fresh encounter with Him.   As many of you may know, my absolute passion in life is knowing Him and becoming like Him, and I am so far from both of these pursuits that I couldn't imagine the full surrender Heidi was talking about.   But I want to get to that place, regardless of the cost (or so I thought). 

This was fresh in my heart and mind as I packed my bags and headed west for the Great Greenbean Getaway of 2014.   I didn't know what it would look like, but I was expecting to meet with God and learn more about His love during this trip.   And then it got hard.

I was wearing a cast on my ankle, and the stress of flying and driving and valeting all of our luggage in and out of hotels caused more pain and swelling than I had during the initial injury.   Jet lag, long days, and sharing a room with someone I wasn't familiar with meant I was sleeping less than normal.    Poor cell reception and the time difference meant that I wasn't connecting with Paul, and coupled with PMS, my emotions were raw.   

On top of all of this, my traveling companion, Grandma S, was struggling too.   Widowed too young, she still misses my Grandpa terribly, and we were visiting his family in his hometown without him.   Additionally,  her physical health is not as strong as her mental health, and the disparity was causing more frustration for her than she (and I) anticipated.    We were quite the pair, eh?  

After 2 weeks, I was feeling completely spent.   This introvert was all "peopled" out, out of words and smiles and laughs.      Unfortunately, Grandma S is an extrovert who loves talking to everyone she sees - there are no strangers in her world, only friends waiting to be met (one of the things I admire most about her!).    I was tired, in pain and so frustrated, and I complained to the Lord that I was still waiting to encounter His love.

What came next both surprised and convicted my heart.   He so sweetly told me that I was in the middle of encountering His love, and that I just needed to open my eyes.   That's when He started to show me that love doesn't always "feel" like butterflies and rainbows and laughter, but that sometimes love stinks.   True love is that which goes beyond  the feel good and gets down into the nitty gritty, smelly, filth with no thought of personal cost.     Love is the power that allows us to stay in relationship with those that frustrate us the most, those who are most unlike us, those who may be unlovable and ugly. 

Every time I loaded and unloaded luggage, wiped down the car seats, cleaned the hotel rooms, went shopping for personal items, held conversations when I was out of words, all of which was "hard", was an encounter with His love.   After all, isn't this how He loves us?   He stays in the moment with us, even when we are at our worst, serving us as though we are the most important person in the world.   Doesn't that seem counter-intuitive, that the God of all the universe would serve us, His creation?    But that's what Jesus did when He washed the feet of the disciples - cleaning off the dust, mud and poop they had stepped in along their journey.   And that was just before He suffered the most excruciating death in our place.

One of the  most amazing things I encountered about His love was the strength and stability it provides when we are completely weak and floundering.   No matter how tired and grumpy I got, His love was always available and always enough.    And it didn't feel good, but it was good, and I saw a whole new side of what it means to be loved by Him, and to allow His love to flow to others.

How deeply intimate and far-reaching is His love!

How enduring and inclusive it is!

Endless love beyond measurement,

Beyond academic knowledge - 

This extravagant love pours into you

Until you are filled to overflowing

With the fullness of God!

Eph 3:19 (TPT)

Grumble Gus (Lessons from the Great Greenbean Getaway Part 1)

I confess that I have my issues, myriads of issues truth be told, but until now I wouldn't have listed complaining amongst them.   I have lived most of my life rolling with the punches, embracing change and pursuing the next thing, and thought I handled it all well.   Then I went to California for three weeks and discovered the ugly truth.

Confession:   I'm a Grumble Gus.

The line at the airport was too long; there weren't enough TSA employees; my ankle hurt; the wifi didn't work; it was too hot; there was no cell service; blah, blah, blah.    With each complaint my attitude continued to spiral downward, and frustration bubbled over.  I noticed that I was complaining a lot, so I started to catch myself toward the end of the trip.  This helped me make it through to get home, but it really was more like applying a band-aid to a large gash.   

Two months later and this ugly monster has reared his ugly head in me in a more grandiose fashion.    For those of you who don't know, we have just moved from our first apartment in Maine to a duplex (for more on that, check out this blog post).   While it's clearly a God thing, this has been one of the hardest moves I've ever made (and I've made a few).   We finished moving our stuff to the new place this past Saturday, and as I was unpacking with my friend, I found myself grumbling about everything.   The new place is too far from town; the house is dirty; I don't like the layout; the linen closet isn't big enough; blah, blah, blah.   With every complaint, the move became harder and harder and harder, and I began to feel more and more distant from the Lord.

That is the most disconcerting thing of all, and something I absolutely cannot live with.   I take a small measure of solace in the fact that I'm not the only follower of Christ who has struggled with complaining.   In John 6, Jesus had just finished feeding thousands of people, then launched into His "I am the Bread of Life" sermon.   This was a hard message for the crowds to understand, and even the disciples were having a hard time swallowing it (pun intended).  We pick up the story in verse 61, "Jesus was aware that his disciples were complaining, so he said to them, 'Does this offend you?'". 

And therein lies the crux of the matter.   My complaining has been a direct result of offenses that I have picked up and worn like badges.   Merriam-Webster's dictionary defines offense as "something that causes a person to be hurt, angry or upset."   There's probably an entire blog series to be written about the issue of offense, so we won't dive into it too far, but we can't overlook it either.

It's so easy to get "hurt, angry or upset" when things don't turn out the way we expect or when people don't treat us the way we would like.   Each time we encounter one of these offenses, we have a choice in how we respond.  We can pick up the offense, nurture it by complaining and grumbling, water it with our bitterness and watch it grow the most poisonous of fruits, or we can step over it with a heart of love and gratitude, and continue in joy and peace.  

It seems like a no-brainer when it's written down on paper (or a blog post), but in real life it's a little trickier.    Offenses can sneak in disguised as discernment, faith, hope, and all manners of "spiritual" things.   In my case, I justified my offense by telling God that His Word promised me a better house (it doesn't, by the way), and I complained my way through my prayer time.   His simple response was that there is something better that is found waiting in His presence, and we can only access His presence through thanksgiving (Ps. 100:4).   Maybe this is why I felt so distant!  If thanksgiving ushers us into His presence, then it would go to reason that complaining would take us the opposite direction!

Now do you want the good news?  Phil 2:13 says, "For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him."  Aren't you so grateful that He doesn't give up on us?    The process doesn't stop at the "spirit is willing, but flesh is weak" stage, but continues until we are "more than over-comers through Christ" stage.   Thank You, Jesus!!!   

Right now, this is what He's working on in me, until I can echo the words of Paul in 2 Cor 12:10:  "For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."   What about you?  What is He poking at in your life?  Don't be discouraged, dear one!  He doesn't leave us with the desire to please Him, but He gives us the power to do it!   Let's keep running after Him - He is worth it all!

The Great Green Bean Getaway

I'm sitting in the Oakland Airport waiting for my flight home.  It's been a very long 17 days, and I miss my husband more than I can even begin to say.  I also miss my pets (amazing how they become family, isn't it?).    And surprisingly, I miss my quiet home, where I can spend the entire day listening only to the leaves rustling outside my window, the whir of the washing machine, and the cat singing the song of her people.   I used to hate being alone.  I used to hate being at home.  I wanted to be out with friends painting the town red, never sitting at home.

It's amazing how time changes things, isn't it?  Yet, in the midst of all the change, things never really change at all.    This is what I'm pondering these days, especially in light of the last 17 days.    There are several "lessons" I'm taking home as souvenirs from this trip, and over the next few weeks, I'll probably share a few of them here as I process through them all.  But today, I want to give you the back story.

Early this year, my mom's step-mom (aka Grandma S.) mentioned that she wanted to go visit my great-aunt in Washington because her health was deteriorating, but that's a long way to drive from California.  Since Grandma S isn't in the best of health herself, the trip seemed like an impossibility.  That's when I opened my big mouth and said, "I don't have any money, but I have plenty of time, so if you want to fly me out there, I can drive you up to Washington for a visit."   Grandma S was thrilled, and began making plans immediately, and I just kinda went along.   Honestly, I really thought it would be just talk, but that the trip would never materialize.    And, I really did want to go visit my great-aunt, and see the town where my grandfather had grown up, where his parents and grandparents are buried, and the lake where they homesteaded (I'm a sucker for family history!), so I felt that either way I would be ok.

Well, on July 21, we booked the ticket, and the Great Green Bean Getaway was set in motion.  This was exactly one day before my precious puppy and I had a disagreement on where we were going to walk.  I lost, ending up on the bottom of a hill with a pretty severe sprain and bone chip in my ankle.  This certainly was going to make our getaway interesting.

By the time August 23, rolled around, I was hobbling ok in my walking cast as I boarded the first of my 3 flights from Maine to California.   After 12 hours of traveling, I was greeted by Grandma S, who was anxious to get this show on the road.   But that first night, as my body fought to figure out which time zone I was supposed to be on, I started to realize that this was not going to be an easy trip.   I had flown out to be a companion, but it became very clear that I would be taking the role of caregiver.   This was a reality that I was not prepared for this physically, emotionally or spiritually. 

The next 17 days were spent driving, dragging luggage in and out of the vehicles, dealing with housekeeping issues, and struggling to find time (and cell service) to connect with my hubby who was 3 hours ahead on the other coast.   Every minute, it seemed, stretched every last thing in me.  Yet, every time I felt like I was losing it, Abba showed up and proved again that He is more than enough and His grace is sufficient.    I watched Him be strong in me in a way that I can't even really put into words.    And my heart expanded in ways that I never expected.  My love for Grandma S grew exponentially, as did my love for family that I never really knew before this trip.  I learned more about my family's history, and a new compassion was birthed for those who have walked through some heart-wrenching tragedies and loss.

Before I left, I prayed that God's Kingdom would come on this trip, and that Grandma S would come to know Him and His love while I was here.   I don't know if that happened, exactly, but I know that I experienced His Kingdom and His love so lavishly, and I got to see a whole new side of my Abba.  His loving-kindness is better life, and His mercies are new every morning, and He is close to the broken-hearted, and He truly is Emmanuel, God-With-Us.

So, now I'm going home.   When I left it was summer, and now it is autumn, the season of harvest.   And the seeds that were planted in my life over the last 17 days will continue to grow, because He is faithful like that.

There is so much more to say, but I'll save it for future posts, so stay tuned!  For now I'll leave you with a picture of my lovely Grandma S and Green Bean.

6 things in 6 months

It's hard to believe that it's been a month since I last posted, and even harder to believe that today marks the 6th month of us living in Maine.   Time has certainly flown, as we still feel like "newbies", yet we feel completely at home.    As I look back over the last 6 months, there are many lessons that I've learned, so many it's hard to count, but today I'm only going to share 6 of them.

1. An encouraging word can become a lifeline in the middle of a storm.  Prophetic words become rocks to stand on when the sand is shifting beneath your feet.  ~ Prov 25:11
2. Regardless of how "dark" your circumstances or environment seem, God's light is always brighter.  Being "hidden in Him" makes you a lighthouse!  ~ Ps 139:12
3. Knowing something in your head is completely different than knowing something by experience!  This applies in just about every area - marriage, ministry, business, relationships, moving....
4. It's easy to become so comfortable in the wilderness that crossing into a promise can be terrifying.  Maybe this is why God emphasized "Be strong and courageous" 3 times in 4 verses (Josh 1:6-9).       4b.  Strength is found in God's presence (see Josh 1:5,9)
5. We are created for community and connection.  This is magnified when you move to a new city where you know no one.  Good friends are gifts from the Lord.        5b.  Facebook, Twitter, Skype, cell phones and the USPS are also gifts that help us stay connected with friends and family who are far away!
6. Home is wherever you are planted.  While there are certainly things I miss about Texas, I feel home here in Maine.  This is where God has called us.  This is where I want to be!

Blessings to you, my friends!    May you continue growing in the knowledge of Him who loves you beyond all comprehension!

Amid Shouts of "Grace, Grace"

Yesterday marked 5 months since landing in the beautiful state of Maine.   It hardly seems possible that we've already been here that long, yet it seems like we've lived here much longer.   This is now our home.   The thought still catches us off guard sometimes, as we often shake our heads saying,  "We live in Maine."   A year ago today, we were living in Texas, cruising to Alaska on a much needed vacation, completely oblivious to the impending upheaval.

We knew something was going to change, simply because change was needed.   But we were not prepared for the level of change to which He was calling us.   We were comfortable in Carrollton, Texas.  We enjoyed well-paying jobs with benefits that allowed us to explore the world on a whim.   We love our church (I am using the present tense, because we still love Sojourn Church and still consider it "our church"), a body of believers who seek the Lord with all their hearts and love each other well.   This is where we had started our married life, grown together as a couple, made our first "couple" friends, beat the debt cycle, and learned about God's love for us transforming us from orphans to children in our thinking.   This was "home".

For me, personally, having a "home" was a bit of a foreign concept.   Growing up, my parents moved frequently, and by the time I had graduated college and established myself in the corporate world, I had lived in over 20 cities in 9 states.   When I married a Texas boy the first order of business was to move to Texas, and much to my surprise, Texas became home.   It didn't happen overnight for me, as I had established defenses that I wasn't even aware of.

About 4 years in to our 7 year stay, I realized that I had never really been open to deep friendships as a way of protecting myself from the pain of separation that was bound to come.  As I began to open my heart and allow these walls to collapse, I discovered the richness of investing in relationships, and I have some amazing friends in Texas because of it.  

Then God said, "Go," 1,800 miles away from my friends, my church, my comfort zone, my home to Maine, where we had no jobs, no house, no friends, and no "reason" for being there.   In my experience, when God says, "Go," it's probably a good idea to just go and ask questions later!     So we came in the middle of a record setting "cold and snowy" winter, arriving on December 18.   

I'll never forget pulling into the Maine Mall in South Portland with our trailer and sitting together saying to the Lord, "Okay, we're here.  Now what?"   It was all quite surreal.  

Biblical Scholars who have studied numerology in the Bible say that 5 is the number of grace, so as we celebrate 5 months of living in our new home, I thought I would testify to a few of the "graces" that the Lord has lavished on us (we would be here all day and night if I would to list them all).

Grace #1:   There was room in the inn!!!
It was the middle of the afternoon, and we needed somewhere to stay while we started looking for jobs and a place to live, so we both pulled out our cell phones and started looking at what was around there. Because it was the week before Christmas, we weren't sure that we would be able to find anything reasonable, but God had brought us this far, so we decided to trust that He wouldn't abandon us now.   We found an Extended Stay Hotel that allowed pets and had a furnished kitchenette in the room as well as laundry facilities onsite.   When we arrived, the manager was moved by our story and gave us a HUGE discount for both the nightly rate as well as for the pet fees.  We were able to settle in and have somewhere warm to stay over Christmas while the snow fell outside.

Grace #2:   You're Approved!
As many of you know, we have been living debt free since 2009 thanks to Dave Ramsey and Financial Peace University.   As a result, we have no credit score.  It's as if we have never borrowed money and paid it back.   We discovered this in Texas when we rented our apartment and had to pay an additional months' rent deposit as we were considered high risk.   This was a concern as we began looking for places to live here in Maine, since in addition to have no credit score, we didn't have any income.  In addition to the financial concerns, we have a dog and a cat, and there are very few properties that allow pets.   With all of this weighing on our minds, we were excited to see an advertisement for our apartments which were having a "special".  We visited the apartments and as we toured the available unit, we were told that they didn't have any more of the "specials" and all they had available were units that were going to be $300/month more, which was out of our price range.   By this time, we had already been in Maine for 10 days, and I was tired of living in a hotel and a little frustrated with the Lord and His timing in the transition.  It was late Saturday afternoon, and we left feeling dejected.   Then on Monday morning, we got a voicemail message from the leasing agent.  A "special" unit had opened up, and she wondered if we wanted to come by and see it.  After debating back and forth, Paul and I agreed to come back and we found that the unit was perfect for us (unlike the first unit we had looked at), in the back of the complex, on the end of the building, right next to the storage facilities and the dog park.  The leasing agent told us that there was a long waiting list for this unit, but we were on her mind and she had told everyone in the office our story of just uprooting our lives and moving here, so she called us first.    We started the paperwork, explained why we had no credit score, and crossed our fingers.    Within a couple hours we were approved, got our keys and were able to move in on December 31, just before the next major snow storm hit.   Some additional "graces" in this process included steep discounts for move in fees, deposits and monthly pet rent.

Grace # 3:  FRIENDS!
Trying to explain how we have made so many friends so quickly would be a little hard to follow.  Suffice it to say, God has connected with friends who have connected us with more friends who have connected us with more friends.   Through these connections, we have been able to establish some great relationships with friends who have already become so precious to us.   Only God can do that!  

Grace #4 :  You're Hired!
This has been an interesting season for both of us, but for me especially, as God has been pretty clear that I am to take some time off from working outside of the home to spend time being a homemaker and work on writing.  It has certainly tested our faith as Paul spent over 2 months looking for a job before he accepted a position as a Home Inspector.   He applied for the job and was initially blown off, but he remained persistent, calling weekly to check the status of his application.  He was finally given an interview after which he was immediately offered the position.  But there was a catch (of course there is!).  The job is 100% commission based, would require at least 3 months of training which will pay less than minimum wage, and then Paul would be responsible to build his own book of business.   After much prayer, we both knew that this was the position he was supposed to accept.    The great news is that he has excelled in his training (which is no surprise), and has surprised his boss with how quickly he has learned, which is great as they approach the "busy season". 

Grace #5 :  Manna from Heaven
It's a lot easier to quote the verses in Matthew 6 that talk about not worrying because God provides for the sparrows so He will surely provide for us when you're not having to trust Him for provision.  When you have regular income that exceeds your expenses it's easy to call Him "Jehovah Jireh, The Lord our Provider".   When we moved up here we had 2 accounts, our checking account and our "Emergency Fund".    We knew that we could live for about 2 months on our checking account, and another 5-6 months on our emergency fund if we had to.  As we have just celebrated 5 months here, I have to tell you that God's provision has been so good.  We have lived these 5 months on our checking account and Paul's training income without touching our emergency fund!!!   

I won't lie to you and say that our journey has been filled with rainbows and fairy dust, all giggles and happiness.   There have been waves of homesickness, doubt, fear, worry, anger, sadness, confusion and tears, but for every one of these hard waves, there have been more waves of grace, mercy, joy, beauty, healing, reconciliation and growth.  There is nothing like stepping out of your comfort zone and going after everything that God has for you.   There are so many treasures in His presence, and by His Spirit you will see mountains melt before you.   What has God asked you to do?   What mountains are standing before you?  I leave you with this declaration as my prayer for you:

Then he said to me, "This is the word of the LORD...saying, 'Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,' says the LORD of hosts. What are you, O great mountain? ... you will become a plain; and he will bring forth the top stone with shouts of "Grace, grace to it!"'"

~Zech 4:6-7

Begrudgingly...

Peter has always been my favorite disciple.  I think it’s because I can relate to his passion, emotions, and frequent missteps.    One of my favorite stories about Peter is found at the end of John.   Jesus had just been brutally crucified, then resurrected and was hanging out by the sea with the disciples, eating some fish and talking.  

It was in this setting that Jesus had the following conversation with Peter:

Jesus:  Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?

Peter:  Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.

Jesus:  Feed my  lambs.  (pause)  Simon, son of John, do you love me?

Peter:  Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.

Jesus:  Tend my sheep.  (another pause).   Simon, son of John, do you love me?

(grieved) Peter:  Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.

Jesus:  Feed my sheep.   (taking a deep breath)   Truly, truly I say to you, when you   
           were young, you used to dress yourself and walk wherever you wanted, but 
           when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and another will dress 
           you and carry you where you do not want to go….Follow me.

There are so many things to glean from this conversation, but I don’t want to linger too long here.  In this exchange, Jesus was talking to Peter about what his future was going to look like.  He was going to be a pastor to new believers and would be killed as a result.  That’s a pretty intense morning.

Just after this exchange, we’re told that Peter turned around and saw John following behind them.

          Peter:  Lord, what about this man?

Jesus:  If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you?   You 

           follow me!

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard the Lord say, “What is that to you?  You follow me,” I would be a very rich woman!   Every time I’ve asked those pesky “why” questions, I’ve received some variation of this response. 

Me:  Why did she get married before me?

Jesus:  What is that to you?  You follow me! 

Me:   Why do they get to live in a big house?

Jesus:  What is that to you?  You follow me!

Me:   Why was she able to get pregnant so easily?

Jesus:  What is that to you?  You follow me!

Me:  Why is his/her ministry already taking off, when I’m still stuck in

        corporate hell?

Jesus:  What is that to you?  You follow me!

Do you sense a pattern?   For years, I read this as a rebuke, as if Jesus was saying, “Mind your own business, Peter, just do what I told you.”   But recently, I encountered His grace in this area in a way that so overwhelmed me, and I realized that this was not a rebuke but an invitation to enter into His abundant life.

You see, these questions above were not just random examples, but screams from my anguished heart.   I had been asking these questions my entire life, believing that everyone else was walking in blessings while I was scratching and clawing to survive.   

One morning I woke up with all of these questions, peppered with thoughts doubt and anger, and I was caught unprepared for the battle in my mind.   I felt so much shame for all these envious thoughts knowing that “good Christians” aren’t supposed to envy.   I sat down with the Bible and started looking up all the verses about envy, all the while sinking deeper and deeper into shame.    I didn’t think it could get much worse, so I googled “envy” and I found the following statement on Wikipedia:

[Envy] begins with the almost frantic sense of emptiness inside oneself, as if the pump of one's heart were sucking on air. One has to be blind to perceive the emptiness, of course, but that's what envy is, a selective blindness. Invidia, Latin for envy, translates as "nonsight," and Dante had the envious plodding along under cloaks of lead, their eyes sewn shut with leaden wire. What they are blind to is what they have, God-given and humanly nurtured, in themselves.

The “almost frantic sense of emptiness inside oneself” phrase jumped off the screen at me.  It was as if the Holy Spirit was saying, “This is a key that will unlock the chains of envy in your life.”    With this key I went back to the Bible, but this time rather than looking for verses about envy I started looking for verses about fullness.    Here are a couple of my favorites of the many I found:

          How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God!
Therefore the children of men put  

their trust under the shadow of Your wings. They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house,
And You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures. For with You is the fountain of life;
In Your light we see light. 

~ Ps 36:7-9

And of His fullness we have all received, and grace for grace.  ~ John 1:16

The root of my envious thoughts and feelings was misplaced “vision”.   I was looking at what God was doing in everyone else’s life, “selectively” remaining blind to all God has already poured out in my own life and allowing myself to embrace the “frantic sense of emptiness” I felt inside.   

I immediately fell on my knees in repentance, thanking God for the abundance and the FULLNESS that He has lavished on me.   As I began to list all the gifts that I have personally received from the Father, my heart felt like a balloon that was inflating past capacity.   Suddenly envy just seemed laughable.  Why would I ever want someone else’s life, when my life has been made so rich?   Chains started to fall off and freedom rushed in. 

Let's fast forward a few weeks to this morning: As part of my daily devotions, I read the parable of the “Laborers in the Vineyard” found in Matthew 20:1-16.    The Cliff Notes version of the story is that an owner of a vineyard goes out one morning to hire some harvesters, and they agree on a set wage for the day.   As the day goes on, the owner continues to hire people all the way up until 1 hour before quitting time.   At the end of the day the owner gathers all the harvesters to pay them.  He starts with those he hired at the end of the day and worked his way back to those who had been working the entire day, paying each of them the exact same amount.    Those who had been working all day were upset, thinking they deserved more for working the entire day.   The owner’s response, found in verse 15, was, “Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me?  Or do you begrudge my generosity?”  

“Or do you begrudge my generosity?”   WOWCH!   We see here that we are given two choices when we see others receiving of His generosity.     We can either grumble and complain that we deserve more, begrudging His generosity with others, or we can celebrate His outrageous generosity and love towards each one of us.  

Each blessing He pours out, whether on us or on those around us, gives us a glimpse of His character.  We get to see how He keeps His promises, how His goodness brings life and joy to His kids, and how His love manifests day after day.   And from this same “fullness we have all received.”     Let us not be a people who begrudges His goodness, but those who celebrate Him and His dealings with all of His children!

Lord!  I’m bursting with joy over what You’ve done for me!  My lips are full of perpetual praise.  I’m boasting of You and all Your works, so let all who are discouraged take heart.  Join me everyone!  Let’s praise the Lord together.  Let’s make Him famous!  Let’s make His name glorious to all.

 ~ Ps. 34:1-3 (TPT)

I Didn't Deserve That

It was about this time eight years ago when I first met my husband.    He was charming and happy-go-lucky.  I was still trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart which remained strewn about after a very painful break-up.   It didn’t take long for him to win my heart, and we were married just a few months later.

Having recently celebrated seven years of being very happily married, I was completely caught off guard last night when I was filled with sudden rage toward my ex.   As I laid down to sleep every memory of that painful time came in like a flood threatening to sweep me away in the current of anger, hurt and devastation.   Each thought began with “I didn’t deserve…”    

I didn’t deserve to be lied to.  I didn’t deserve to be told over instant message that he could “no longer be [my] boyfriend, just [my] best friend”, so he could take some time to work things out with God.   I didn’t deserve to be ignored when I called my “best friend”.   I didn’t deserve to be kept on a hook, believing that he still loved me and that we would ultimately get back together (those were his words, after all).  I didn’t deserve to sit in church and watch him cuddle with another woman.   I didn’t deserve to get messages from him telling me how much he loved me while all of this was going on.   I didn’t deserve to have my heart broken with such callousness.  I didn’t deserve….

As these thoughts stirred up every negative emotion I felt choked in the bile called bitterness.   This was surprise number two.   I thought I had worked through all of my pain.  I thought I had already forgiven him.  I thought that the wounds had healed.   I was wrong.   There was another layer sitting dormant, a layer I had not yet released, and it was kept hidden in the “I didn’t deserves”.    

I wrestled with the idea of “deserving”, wondering if I even had the right to say “I didn’t deserve,” and as if my questions were spoken as prayers, I felt the Father say, “You’re right; you didn’t deserve any of that.”    It was so sweetly spoken, and it soothed the red hot rage immediately.  It validated the wound, acknowledged the pain, and answered the questions.    Yet, the richness of the statement invited, no demanded a response.  As the knife was removed from my heart, it was clear that I had to make the choice to forgive….again.

This time, though, it didn’t feel as hard.   It was as if the sweetness of His voice mixed with the lemons of my pain making refreshing lemonade of His grace for this man who had hurt me so badly.   My heart was overwhelmed with a compassion that I couldn’t even explain.   How broken must he have been?  Had he ever known LOVE at all?   Could he even see how he was destroying me, or was he so blinded by his own pain and rejection?  “Oh, Father, please forgive him, he didn’t really know what he was doing,” I cried as my tears of rage transformed into tears of intercession.

I didn’t deserve any of it.  He didn’t deserve my bitterness, anger, and rage.   Neither of us deserves the grace that has covered the multitude of our wrongs, but it’s offered so freely, just waiting for us to take hold of it.

  

“See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.” ~Hebrews 12:15