I have experienced the love of Christ, but nothing like the dramatic encounter that Heidi details in her book, and I was instantly hungry for a fresh encounter with Him. As many of you may know, my absolute passion in life is knowing Him and becoming like Him, and I am so far from both of these pursuits that I couldn't imagine the full surrender Heidi was talking about. But I want to get to that place, regardless of the cost (or so I thought).
This was fresh in my heart and mind as I packed my bags and headed west for the Great Greenbean Getaway of 2014. I didn't know what it would look like, but I was expecting to meet with God and learn more about His love during this trip. And then it got hard.
I was wearing a cast on my ankle, and the stress of flying and driving and valeting all of our luggage in and out of hotels caused more pain and swelling than I had during the initial injury. Jet lag, long days, and sharing a room with someone I wasn't familiar with meant I was sleeping less than normal. Poor cell reception and the time difference meant that I wasn't connecting with Paul, and coupled with PMS, my emotions were raw.
On top of all of this, my traveling companion, Grandma S, was struggling too. Widowed too young, she still misses my Grandpa terribly, and we were visiting his family in his hometown without him. Additionally, her physical health is not as strong as her mental health, and the disparity was causing more frustration for her than she (and I) anticipated. We were quite the pair, eh?
After 2 weeks, I was feeling completely spent. This introvert was all "peopled" out, out of words and smiles and laughs. Unfortunately, Grandma S is an extrovert who loves talking to everyone she sees - there are no strangers in her world, only friends waiting to be met (one of the things I admire most about her!). I was tired, in pain and so frustrated, and I complained to the Lord that I was still waiting to encounter His love.
What came next both surprised and convicted my heart. He so sweetly told me that I was in the middle of encountering His love, and that I just needed to open my eyes. That's when He started to show me that love doesn't always "feel" like butterflies and rainbows and laughter, but that sometimes love stinks. True love is that which goes beyond the feel good and gets down into the nitty gritty, smelly, filth with no thought of personal cost. Love is the power that allows us to stay in relationship with those that frustrate us the most, those who are most unlike us, those who may be unlovable and ugly.
Every time I loaded and unloaded luggage, wiped down the car seats, cleaned the hotel rooms, went shopping for personal items, held conversations when I was out of words, all of which was "hard", was an encounter with His love. After all, isn't this how He loves us? He stays in the moment with us, even when we are at our worst, serving us as though we are the most important person in the world. Doesn't that seem counter-intuitive, that the God of all the universe would serve us, His creation? But that's what Jesus did when He washed the feet of the disciples - cleaning off the dust, mud and poop they had stepped in along their journey. And that was just before He suffered the most excruciating death in our place.
One of the most amazing things I encountered about His love was the strength and stability it provides when we are completely weak and floundering. No matter how tired and grumpy I got, His love was always available and always enough. And it didn't feel good, but it was good, and I saw a whole new side of what it means to be loved by Him, and to allow His love to flow to others.
How deeply intimate and far-reaching is His love!
How enduring and inclusive it is!
Endless love beyond measurement,
Beyond academic knowledge -
This extravagant love pours into you
Until you are filled to overflowing
With the fullness of God!
Eph 3:19 (TPT)
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